Story of a Girl, Chapter 7

Side-note:  The next few chapters of this story have proven very difficult to write.  They bring up a lot of old unwelcome memories and feelings while working their way to happier memories.     I want to be open and honest in my retelling of my story, but don't want to affect anyone negatively in the process.  I guess the best thing to keep in mind, is that this is all the past and I am very much  in the present and content here.




Chapter Seven – The Bitter Ball



After several unsettle years of career changes and moving several times, we have finally settled into a cute little house in a nice small town. The kids were in school now and life had a busy, but comfortable routine.



One Sunday afternoon, Cam came home from having a beer over at a new friend's house and tells me about this great website his friend showed him. It was an adoption reunion site. One could register on this site, providing as much info as they can about their birth and adoption, or of someone who has been adopted that they would like to reunited with. This was all then added to a database. One could then search the database and see all the information, and contact the website administrators if you think you have a match. The administrators would then make contact with the other party and provide the opportunity for both parties to connect. It was a pretty successful registry with many happy endings posted on the site.



I listened, while the hair on the back of neck stood up and an icky feeling in my stomach started to grow. Before I could get out the words, “I'm not interested”, Cam told me he had registered me with all the information he could remember.



I was stunned. I wanted to scream, vomit, run away or throw large heavy objects at him. Instead, I stood there, dumfounded. I felt dizzy and so confused. Cam chattered on, while I swam around in my head for awhile. At some point, I think I finally asked him why he did that. I don't really remember what his answer was. It didn't really matter what his answer was. He had made a decision that was mine to make. It was so extremely personal, that I felt betrayed, belittled and robbed of my own free will. A combination of anger and hurt rose up and burned in me. But, I pushed it down into a bitter little ball, as I was accustomed to doing. Cam was smiling the entire time. He thought he had done this really awesome thing, while I burned deep inside.



To this day, and for the rest of his life, I am sure, he will never understand why what he did was wrong.  I believe he really thought he was doing something helpful.  I think he projected his curiosity and desire to know more onto me, and truly believes that I wanted it.  I struggled for years to forgive him.   In my most vulnerable and honest of moments, I would admit that this act of Cam's complete obliviousness to my feelings was a huge factor in our divorce that would follow not too long after this. But, THAT is a whole other story. 



The next day, after Cam had left for work, I logged onto the website and deactivated my information. My hand shook and tears rolled down my cheek. I don't think I told Cam that I deactivated it. I don't really remember clearly, as I have a habit of shutting off the memories of hurtful experiences. I have only the fuzzy recollection of it happening and how it made me feel. Even as I write this, I feel the bitterness of this memory, which is still so hazy.


What lead me to return to that website several months later and start reading the stories and looking through the database, I don't really remember.  What lead me reactivate my registry and update my information with all I could remember about my birth and adoption, I'm not sure that I understand.

Wordless Wednesday 5-18-2011

I breath, therefore I dance.

Happy Mother's Day

For all the hats you wear, your "Mom" hat is the most valuable. 
It is heavy, but does not weigh you down.
It is majestic, yet humbling.
It is tears when your daughter cries with a broken heart.
It is joy when your son brings home his frist 'A'.
It's midnight feedings,
        8 AM sports games,
             school concerts,
                  kissing boo-boo's,
                        "because I said so!"
                               wiping away tears,
                                       checking homework,
                                              cooking dinner and "Eat your vegetables!"
                                                     and hugs and kisses that make your day.

The "Mom" hat is often worn with many other hats all at once,
yet often worn alone.
For once it is placed on your heads,
it can never be taken off. 
It becomes a part of you.
It's who you are.
You are Mom.

Happy Mother's Day
Whether your children are near or far, may you feel blessed and loved today.

It doesn't matter how old your kids get, there is absolutely nothing like hearing, "I love you, Mommy."

Or, Make This....

If you make this for your Mom on Mother's Day, she will swoon, then tell you to back off and get your own cake.

And then, she will thank you and tell you how talented and amazing you are.

Caramelized Mango Upside Down Cake

 

Click the picture for the recipe.

Trust me.  She will love it.  

So will you.

Great Mother's Day Idea

If  your family is like my family, living on a tight (suffocating really) budget, then this is the perfect Mother's Day gift for you.  A coupon book for mom to help her out.  As a mom, wouldn't it be nice to receive some assistance around the house that you didn't have to ask for, or assign via a chore list?  I am not sure what I would do with myself, quite frankly.

Head on over to Balancing Bedlam and Beauty and there is a free printable coupon book.  Maybe you would like to direct your own husband or children there!  I know I would.

Someone tell my family, please?????